TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it could come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical progress-slash-luxurious housing calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are conversing Damascus, town historically known for historic society, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom connect with, streamed within the putting green inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've had beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A number of the ideal. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome for the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely from position. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Delighted Hour until eventually the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely called "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 several years for potable h2o. But Sure, sure, let us have One more area where American Guys can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are calling this probably the most audacious peace try considering that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though previous negotiations failed under the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is less complicated: supply Everybody a set over the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, total with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly tender power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and also a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock wants less diplomats plus much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, generally into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest mentioned, "It is not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It is that he should really prevent working with it to lease ballroom Place to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned in regards to the venture, replied, "You understand, male, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Superior individuals. Excellent tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice product?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "potential evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred to your tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory with the Levant."



Satellite Images Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the lodge's landscaping forms an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a element currently being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is produced from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits right after getting the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to an area melon cart.


"It's not simply unsightly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," claimed Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing as well as other Confusing Characteristics


Probably the strangest element of your tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium where attendees may contemplate vague disappointment




  • A Trump Tower Damascus duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with climate Regulate set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Screen.




Neighborhood Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They'll Occur"


The advert campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge displays:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "where by's the closest elevator into the West Lender?"





Trader Praise: "Finally, a Disaster That Pays"


The project is already attracting focus from international buyers, such as:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a overseas minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll invest in 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business degree will even include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Space Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to see a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades instead of rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort in which my PTSD might have change-down service."


One more write-up from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Outcome


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Stories propose:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom to the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In keeping with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the top ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Final Feelings through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus needed hope. It essential gold. It essential a waterslide formed such as Structure. I gave everything three. You might be welcome."

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